THE TIMES: THE DANISH WAY OF PARENTING: 8 TIPS FOR RAISING HAPPY TEENS

Do talk freely about sex; don’t shout. Iben Dissing Sandahl, a Danish psychotherapist, shares her nation’s secrets.

by: Anna Maxted

Our teenagers were grappling with significant pressures and worries even before the pandemic, and in recent years there has been a steady rise in mental disorders among children in England aged 11-19. A quarter of young people between 17 and 19 are experiencing mental health problems, according to the NHS, and a third of young women aged 16 to 24 report anxiety or depression.

But what about the sons and daughters of Denmark, one of the happiest nations in the world? Iben Dissing Sandahl, a Danish parenting expert who trained as a teacher and is a psychotherapist in private practice, says the Danes know a thing or two about bringing up happy people. While no teenager, anywhere in the world, is immune to mental health struggles, the Danish parenting philosophy is all about giving teenagers freedom with responsibility and talking openly.

The Danish Way of Raising Teens

(Little Brown, £14.99) is Sandahl’s latest book. She also co-authored the bestseller, and gives lectures and workshops to parents, families and organisations. Here she explains the core rules of Danish parenting and offers guidance on how we can support our teenagers in becoming content, confident and capable individuals.

Danish parents freely discuss sex with their teenagers

The Danes know that if they are uptight about sex, they will pass it on to their teenagers. “If we feel it’s awkward to talk about, they will sense that and it won’t feel safe,” Sandahl says. It helps that Danish children are taught, in an age-appropriate way, about sex from the age of six.

Yet parents must remember that teenagers do not think like adults. “They’re totally new to this, and they still have pure and curious thoughts,” Sandahl says. “It’s so much about grasping the social language and all the rules. It’s not just talking about intercourse.”

If we feel awkward or tense about that part, it’s important to overcome this. “It’s much better to inform and talk openly with teens than leave them to find answers online.”

Sandahl also advises that, if possible, the teenager should be talked to by the parent of the same sex. Often, she says, all discussion on sex is left to the mother, which teenage boys can find excruciating. Boundaries still apply: parents should not talk about their own experiences. “No. Never!”

Allow more trust and ditch the lectures — even about drugs

Moralising to our teenagers blocks good conversation, Sandahl says. If we want them to confide in us, ditch the lectures. “Create this pragmatic space where it is OK to come to you with whatever is on their mind.” If they know that whatever they ask, parents will be respectful, calm and won’t tease or shame, they will listen, she says. “If we laugh or make fun, it doesn’t feel safe for them.”

Only by being trustworthy can we help to reduce their doubts, enable them to see different perspectives and boost their self-esteem. “Answer the question neutrally, and they’ll come back to you again and again and again.”

A trusting relationship makes it easier to discuss challenges such as drugs. “Our teens will want to talk about how easy it is to get drugs, for example. We can ask what strategies work for them not to be pressured or tempted.”

She suggests three strategies for a teenager who is in a situation involving drugs: “Leave, with a friend — don’t be afraid to miss out; trust your gut; and think about those you surround yourself with.”

Sandahl adds: “We can make it clear that taking drugs is an absolute no for us, but that they can always come to us if help is needed.” Even if our teenagers make mistakes they need you to trust in them “or how can they believe in themselves?”

So your approach should be: “When you do X, you break the trust I have in you. I trust you, and trust is what makes our relationship special. How can we get back to that?”

Relax, let them rebel — otherwise they will just push back harder

Danish parents have a reputation for being permissive, but their approach is that if you exert too much control, teenagers will only push back harder. Teenagers’ rejection of our ways and values is part of discovering their identity, Sandahl says. Children at this age must distance themselves from us to gain a clear view of what they think and want. “To grow up to be an independent adult, you need to know what ground you are standing on. This requires everything to be chewed on and spat out. I have seen with my own daughters that this is a necessary and important phase.”

Sandahl has learnt — her daughters are now 19 and 22 — that often in their early twenties, sons and daughters will embrace some of what they pushed away as adolescents. She allowed her teenagers to find their own way.

“My eldest daughter moved away for a couple of years and I saw her exploring the world, testing some boundaries.” Slowly, there was a turnaround. “I saw her adopting more of the values that she was brought up with. It’s healthy for the child to distance themself for a while — and I think we should see it like that; for a while.”

Know when to say ‘pyt!’ — and when to investigate further

“Pyt” translates as “never mind” and is a popular Danish catchword — supermarkets even sell “pyt” buttons or buzzers. At home or school, you press your “pyt” button to indicate that you are moving on from a trivial concern. “There are so many things today that worry teenagers,” Sandahl says. “Therefore it’s good for them to learn to let unnecessary and unimportant worries go.”

So a teenager might press it to emphasise that they won’t ruminate on, say, a spot on their face or a piece of homework that is late. “It’s a way to say, ‘Oh well, never mind, it isn’t that important.’ And we parents have to practise that too.”

The “pyt” attitude should not, however, be about undermining or minimising emotion, Sandahl says. We must help them to manage and understand difficult or complex feelings. That means the “pyt ” button should not be used if they feel sad. “If they’re sad, we have to try to find out what is beneath the feeling.”

Sometimes, our teenager will not be able to verbalise the complexities of what they are feeling, so parents must determine whether this is a temporary, ordinary, healthy emotion, or more profound and persistent. “It’s helpful to ask, ‘From one to ten, how high is this for you? How does this feel? Are you at two or ten?’ ”

If your child says they are at two, Sandahl says, it might be time for them to decide to use the “pyt” button. But if it’s ten, they need your support. “You might say, ‘OK, I’m here. I’ll sit with you. And we can talk about it a little later.’”

Danish dads work at emotional intelligence — especially with their sons

Boys have as many insecurities as girls, but often they don’t express them as much. So we tend to leave them be, Sandahl says. This approach can lead to low self- confidence, and seeking answers or comfort in the wrong places. “Fathers must step up, and understand how important their role is,” she says. That entails making it easy for his teenage son to ask about sex, feelings, boundaries and bodies, without fear of humiliation. In Denmark, men have made progress, largely thanks to their female partners. “Women’s self-awareness has been going on for many years — a lot require that their men jump in and join the journey.”

It also helps boys’ confidence if, on walks or trips, fathers can chat about what shaped them. Teenage boys often see their father as the finished article, but rarely know how he became a man, she says. Men should confide their own insecurities.

“Maybe as a teenager they were bullied, maybe they had pimples as well, maybe their parents argued, they moved around a lot, never saw one parent after the divorce.” This is so beneficial for teenage boys’ mental wellbeing. “They are expressing their feelings, they know how to be empathic. I see it more and more.”

Sometimes children need undivided attention, even if it’s only for a few minutes

It’s common in Denmark that both parents work. But even if they are stressed and busy they must make a conscious choice every day to make time for their children, Sandahl says. “When we get home from work we make sure to connect with our teens.” Her advice is to leave the chores and your phone, and focus fully on your child for at least three minutes when you first see them. “If we can use three minutes in the morning to say hello, three minutes after school or work, and three minutes before they go to sleep, that can be enough. It’s about being fully present.” Just letting them know that we are around if they need us can be sufficient on those days. “If they come to us, we must put down our laptop and listen. If we’re not there to go to, where will they go?”

Address body image — by taking them to the sauna with you

In Sandahl’s parenting circle, everyone walked around naked when their children were little. It is normal that mothers don’t hide their body from their teenage daughters, nor fathers from their teenage sons. “We shouldn’t be ashamed of our bodies,” she says. But in adolescence and beyond, it’s not anything goes, even in liberal Denmark. “If I had boys, I wouldn’t walk around naked when they became teenagers. But we can still help our teenagers by taking them to saunas, beaches or pools — places where they will see all body shapes.

“They only see the filtered pictures on Instagram and social media and they think they have to live up to those standards. Girls in particular are very self-critical. There’s the expectation of having a perfect body and it’s easier to control your looks than your feelings.”

To build self-confidence, Sandahl advises parents to focus on loving them for who they are, not what they do. And to counteract the Instagram effect — “try to help them explore what reality looks like”.

Don’t send your teenager to their room

If teenagers are upset or have done something wrong, they should be given a “time in” to express themselves and then calm down in a supportive atmosphere, Sandahl says.

You need to be there as a calming influence rather than leave them alone with their emotions, which may feel overwhelming. “Very often they don’t understand why they’ve been excluded. It won’t teach them anything. They start feeling alone and isolated, and we don’t want to go down that path.

“We have a conversation with our teens when they do something we disagree with. We explain why we think this way, we tell them, ‘This is how we talk to each other in this family’. We give them the tools to investigate their own behaviour. We put it in perspective for them, so they see who it affects, and that it matters.”

Encourage them to get outside. Sandahl says she wouldn’t waste her breath suggesting ‘get off your phone now’ — but if you suggest going for a walk, or another outdoor activity that appeals to your teen, it will happen as a result. “Get them out in natural places,” she says.

Originally featured in The Times, January 28th 2023