8 tips to help you regulate your child's big emotions and prepare them to talk about all kinds of feelings.

All children experience big emotions. Excitement and joy. Anxiety and anger. When there is a danger or threat, the nervous system gets into a state of alarm, a freeze-flight mode, and shuts down the front part of the brain where the child can understand and reflect. The fight-freeze-flight response takes over all logic; the body secretes stress hormones, and it feels like a matter of survival. It is a natural bodily reaction to intense emotions we recognize in ourselves.

So, what to do in these situations, and how to equip your child with the right tools to better talk about all feelings? Here are 8 tips on how to practice emotions with your child.

1. Don't leave your child alone.

You can't communicate with an upset child during a breakdown if the nervous system is still alarmed. Therefore, be around or close to your child. Stay calm. Your nearness affects your child positively and turns down the fight-freeze-flight state in the sympathetic nervous system and instead turns up the calm system - the parasympathetic nervous system - where you can talk about what is happening. No words are needed at this first stage. Maybe only an "I am here for you. I won't go anywhere."

2. Put words on what you see.

There is something about acknowledging your child and their feelings by helping them understand their inner world by talking about what is happening. You can start by describing what you see happening.

"I can see that you are angry right now."

"You fell and hurt yourself, and now you're sad."

"When you scream like this, something must be frustrating you."

Ask if your observation is correct. "Is that right, Sweetheart? Is that how you feel?

Never condemn your child's feelings; just put them into words. Then your child will learn to recognize what it feels like to be angry, sad, upset, or happy and that all feelings are okay. It makes it easier to talk about them when needed.

3. Include the body.

We are often so much in our heads and forget the body, but guiding your child into the body and practicing feeling the body's signals by including the bodily sensations behind the feeling becomes a landmark that your child can lean on for the rest of their life. You can ask, "What do you feel in your body?" It might feel like a knot in the stomach, a tightness in your chest, or your throat tightens. Ask again, "Where do you feel it in your body, Sweetheart?" Encourage your child to describe what they are experiencing. 'What do you feel in your body?

4. Quiet time.

When children learn to feel and regulate emotions, it's all about training the muscle that helps them to feel - and, in this way, spark the calm nervous system. They need time and space in their daily life to practice. Create a little time every day for them to have some quiet time to do things independently. This invites reflection and allows them to tune into their bodily sensations - all open up honest talks about their feelings.

5. Be present.

Just be there for your child when angry or sad without being in a hurry to make them happy again. Their nervous system responds positively to your presence. It creates a safe environment, a beautiful way to share all kinds of moments. Your presence exudes acceptance and unconditional love when you are authentic and sincere in your approach to life and yourself. Children copy us; if you remain true to yourself, your child will automatically replicate this way of being.

6. Stay calm.

Be calm and relaxed in a heated situation. If you go into fight-flight-freeze mode yourself, your child's anxiety and emotions will escalate, which doesn't do anything good for you or your child. If necessary, leave the room for a minute, breathe, count to 10, and remind yourself that your inner state impacts your child. Go back and remember the bigger picture. Calm begets calm.

7. Validate all emotions.

It's okay to express your feelings and put into simple, undramatized terms why you are sad, angry, frustrated, etc. It shows that you are human and that adults have feelings too. Remember that it should be more to help your child understand a situation better by putting words to moods that the child feels anyway than it should be for your child to comfort you. Never swap who is responsible for your well-being.

And then, of course, always verbalize the pleasant feeling when your child is happy, helpful, and excited. Children need to learn all kinds of emotions, and you show them the way.

8. There is always a reason.

And remember, there is always an underlying reason or need behind an emotion. Children have not yet learned to understand or express themselves about complex feelings; they are simply reacting to an unconscious inner state that you need to help them understand and regulate. Look behind the emotion; meeting your child with understanding and empathy will be easier.

© Iben Dissing Sandahl