THE IRISH INDEPENDENT: CAN RAISING YOUR TEENS THE DANISH WAY MAKE THEM HAPPIER?

Psychotherapist Iben Dissing Sandahl says we need to stop expecting the worst from our teens and start trusting them in order for them to grow into responsible and content adults.

By Kirsty Blake Knox

The stereotype of stroppy and unreasonable teenagers, embodied by Harry Enfield’s Kevin are, to quote the character himself, “so unfair”. Teenagers are merely misunderstood, and parents and guardians need to treat

them with more respect and more compassion. That is according to Danish psychotherapist Iben Dissing Sandahl, author of new parenting manual The Danish Way of Raising Teens.

Dissing Sandahl, who previously wrote The Danish Way of Parenting, outlines her home country’s key parenting values and claims they can help form “the basis of raising the happiest, healthiest and most well-adjusted teenagers in the world”. It’s a bold statement.

But then there are countless studies showing that the Danes are some of the most content people on the planet, just behind the Finnish. Perhaps it follows that their teens are as happy as Larry.

Plus, there are many elements of child-rearing that Scandinavian countries seem to have a better handle on than we do; accessible childcare and subvented parental leave, for example.
Dissing Sandahl knows a lot about this phase of parenthood; she is mother to Ida (21) and Julie (18). “I have been there myself and have experienced the challenges and the advantages first hand,” she says. “It feels very present to me.”

To begin with, she thinks we need to be less judgemental of teenagers and stop assuming the worst of them. Lazy cliches are limiting, dismissive of teenagers’ lived experience, and can prevent personal growth, she says.

“They are still learning and still developing. It’s not that easy to flourish when you are labelled negatively,” she says. “I don’t like that. I think it’s not fair.”

Adolescence is a huge state of flux and a time of significant hormonal, mental, emotional and physical change. Parents need to be considerate of how destabilising and unnerving a time it can be for their children and how hurtful ‘labelling’ behaviour can be.

She believes that negative preconceptions can make parents more nervous or fearful of entering this stage of parenthood.

Dissing Sandahl wants “to put the teenage years in perspective, so parents can look forward to going into that phase with their children.” She says this is an exciting and stimulating time; one people should embrace rather than dread or be anxious about.

As part of reframing teenhood, she says parents need to stop assuming teenagers having intense mood swings or challenging them is some sort of personal attack.

“You should never, as a parent, take their behaviour as a sign of them wishing to be disconnected from you. It is the opposite,” Dissing Sandahl says. “Dangling between the dependency of childhood and the responsibility of adulthood, these mood swings can be challenging... but they are an innate part of growing up.”

Author and journalist Caitlin Moran once wrote that, “The problem with raising strong, clever, feminist daughters who are great at arguing is the first person they practise being strong, clever, argumentative feminists on is you.”

The arguments and the push-backs are signs of healthy cognitive and mental development. That doesn’t make it less infuriating but it’s worth remembering that by testing boundaries teenagers find their own voice and figure out who they are. This behaviour is normal. Knowing this can also stop parents from becoming too emotionally charged during fights.

“It makes it easier for us as parents to say, ‘Hey, this is just a natural part. I will stay steady and on your side, even though you are saying a lot of things that I don’t really want you to say’.”

This doesn’t mean letting your teens walk all over you. It’s important to stay firm and retain boundaries while remaining calm. At a later stage when everyone has quietened down you can explain why their behaviour was inappropriate.

“Teenagers need boundaries set by us. And when we set boundaries, we create a predictable environment. That means our teens know what will happen,” she says, explaining that this offers much-needed stability to teens.

She also advises taking some time for self-reflection. Examine why you find certain behaviour provocative.

“We seem to point fingers at our teenagers, letting them know that they’re doing things wrong,” she says. “[That impulse] often springs from some triggers within us.

“We tend to get irritated by behaviour that evokes an emotional response or reminds us
of something. If you were scolded for being noisy as a child, you can be short-tempered when your own children are playing loudly. The things that upset us usually reflect our own unresolved issues rather than the issues of our children.”

It is also always an awful idea to ever issue an ultimatum or threats when fighting with your teenagers, eg “You better tidy that room or you can forget going round to your friend’s house tomorrow night!” All these do is create a power struggle and harbour resentment. Avoid at all costs.

By reframing her own teens’ mood swings and confrontations, Dissing Sandahl began to find moments when her teenagers tested familial frontiers “extremely positive and beautiful”.

“We often forget because we have this negative picture of teenagers being rebellious, so we don’t really see the beauty,” she says.

In her first book she laid down values that would aid happy childhood development. These included an emphasis on play, which is essential for development and wellbeing; an importance placed on authenticity to help foster trust; teaching your child how to reframe setbacks in a positive light so they can cope with difficult situations; encouraging them to be empathetic towards others and, of course, the importance of hygge (family time).

These are also applicable to teenagers, but Dissing Sandahl has added the below four pillars to help make this transitory phase easier to navigate.

1 Trust

It is paramount that your teenagers know you trust them. “If you show trust to your teenager, you will get trust in return and trust helps create wellbeing and security and a credible relationship between us,” she says.

If your children feel like you distrust them or expect the worst from them, it will damage your relationship.

2 Formation

This is ensuring you give your teenager a sense of autonomy. “Formation is to learn self-direction and to develop the power to make our own choices without depending on anyone else,” she says. “When we have teenagers in the house, we must cultivate critical thinking... It’s giving them the tools to reflect, and to make choices themselves.” If parents encourage this behaviour then teenagers are less likely to look to their friends for guidance, and more inclined to think for themselves.

3 Celebrate their uniqueness

Most people felt most unsure of themselves and self-conscious during their teenage years. It is an age of intense vulnerability, so boosting their self-esteem is essential. “There is a lot of pressure on how to look and how to behave and how to be perfect,” she says. “It’s extremely important that we teach our teenagers to respect themselves, to love themselves as they are.” Teaching teenagers to respect and love themselves will encourage compassionate treatment and behaviour towards others.

4 Finally, encourage their freedom with responsibility

“That is what really gives them a feeling of becoming an adult,” she says. Responsibility empowers teenagers. “They think, ‘I can go out into the world and test myself, but I still need to live up to the responsibility that I have with my family, my parents’.”

This article was featured by The Irish Independent, January 25. 2023